Are You Judging or Discerning? How to Break the Self-Criticism Cycle

How to Stop Beating Yourself Up and Start Actually Growing

Welcome to The Evolving Leader's Guide. Each week, I share one mindset, framework, or toolkit designed to help you become a more effective leader—so you can lead with confidence, inspire your team, and build a career you're proud of.

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This Week's Tool: Discernment over judgement

You just finished a presentation to leadership. You were hoping for engaged discussion, but instead got blank stares and a few perfunctory questions.

As you walk back to your desk, your mind starts: "That was awful. I completely missed the mark. I should have prepared more examples."

This happens to all of us. We finish something and immediately start judging ourselves. We focus on what went wrong instead of what we learned.

There's a fundamental difference between judgment and discernment. One traps you in a cycle of self-criticism. The other propels you forward.

Constantly judging yourself doesn't lead to improvement. It leads to avoidance.

Today, I'll show you how to replace judgment with discernment—a practical skill that enables sustainable growth for you and your team.

The Judgment Trap We All Fall Into

Here's what judgment looks like: "This presentation was a complete disaster. I'm obviously not cut out for leadership, and everyone is going to see that."

It's that voice that tells you you're never enough. Never doing enough. Never being enough.

According to Positive Intelligence research by Shirzad Chamine, this inner critic is what he calls your "Judge Saboteur" — the part of your mind that constantly finds fault with yourself, others, and your circumstances.

The problem isn't identifying areas for improvement. The problem is the cycle it creates:

The emotions don't just feel bad—they literally block your capacity for creative problem-solving. Your brain becomes focused on defending against the threat (judgment) rather than learning from the experience.

Judgment creates a negative association with growth. Every time you tie improvement to feeling bad about yourself, you're training your brain to avoid the very activities that would help you improve.

The Power of Discernment

Discernment is judgment's wiser cousin. Here's what it looks like: "What went well with that project? What would I like to improve next time?"

With discernment, you're calmly noticing what isn't working in order to figure out how to move forward. There's no emotional charge—just clear observation.

Discernment separates the person from the performance. It says "the presentation had room for improvement" rather than "I'm a terrible presenter."

This isn't just feel-good psychology. It's practical leadership.

When you approach growth through discernment rather than judgment, you create a positive feedback loop. You actually want to improve because the process feels good, not punishing.

Two Paths: Judgment vs. Discernment in Action

Let me show you how this plays out in a real scenario. Imagine you're leading a project that's falling behind schedule:

Path 1: The Judgment Cycle

Path 2: The Discernment Cycle

Same situation. Two entirely different outcomes.

Two Powerful Questions for Better Results

Here are the two questions that can reshape how you process any experience:

1. "What went well?" (Start here, always)

2. "What would I like to improve?" (Notice the framing)

Compare these with the judgment questions many of us default to:

• "What went wrong?"

• "Who noticed how bad that was?"

• "Why am I so bad at this?"

The discernment questions create forward momentum without past blame. They help you identify what's working (so you can do more of it) and where you want to grow (without dwelling on failures).

That second question—"What would I like to improve?"—frames growth as a choice rather than a criticism.

The shift from backward-looking criticism to forward-looking improvement changes the entire experience of growth.

This isn't about avoiding accountability. It's about creating the psychological safety required for genuine learning.

"But Shouldn't We Focus on What Went Wrong?"

I recently worked with a client who pushed back on this approach.

"I need to know what went wrong," she insisted. "Otherwise, how will I fix it?"

I asked her: "What does focusing on 'what went wrong' give you that 'what would you like to improve' doesn't?"

After some reflection, she realized the only additional thing the "what went wrong" question gave her was an emotional burden—a sense of failure and inadequacy.

The "what would I like to improve" question actually provided all the information she needed to make changes, without the negative emotional freight.

"What went wrong" keeps you looking backward at problems. "What would I like to improve" points you forward toward solutions.

Both address the issue. Only one empowers you to act with confidence.

How to Spot When You're Judging

Our language reveals whether we're in judgment or discernment mode. Here are some dead giveaways:

You're judging when you use:

• "Should" statements ("I should have known better")

• Absolutist language ("I always mess this up")

• Character attacks ("I'm so disorganized/lazy/unprepared")

• Comparisons ("Everyone else can do this easily")

These patterns aren't just harmful—they're also inaccurate. They distort reality and keep you stuck.

In Chamine's research, he found that the Judge causes negative thoughts by finding faults in ourselves, others, and our circumstances—often under the pretense of being rational or helpful.

But it's neither rational nor helpful when it prevents you from actually growing.

Making the Shift: A Practical Framework

Changing from judgment to discernment doesn't happen overnight. Here's a simple framework to build this muscle:

1. Catch yourself in judgment mode. Notice the language and feelings. "I'm feeling frustrated and using 'should' statements—I'm in judgment mode."

2. Pause and reset. Take a deep breath. Remember that discernment, not judgment, leads to growth.

3. Ask better questions. Explicitly use the two questions: "What went well? What would I like to improve?"

4. Focus on specific behaviors, not identity. "The presentation wasn't organized" instead of "I'm a disorganized person."

5. End with a forward action. "Next time, I'll create a clearer structure" rather than dwelling on what went wrong.

This isn't just a personal practice. As a leader, you can bring this framework to your team as well.

Imagine the culture shift when your team members start reflecting on work through discernment rather than judgment. Innovation increases. Psychological safety expands. People take more calculated risks because they're not afraid of harsh judgment if things don't go perfectly.

It's a small shift with massive ripple effects.

Coach's Challenge

This week, I challenge you to become aware of the difference between judgment and discernment in your own leadership:

1. Track your self-talk for one day. How often do you use "should" statements or other judgment language? Just notice without criticizing yourself.

2. Choose one regular reflection point—a meeting, project review, or personal habit—and deliberately use the two discernment questions: "What went well? What would I like to improve?"

3. Pay attention to how your emotional state differs when you use discernment vs. judgment. Which approach makes you feel more energized to take action?

Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate all critical thinking—it's to make that thinking serve your growth rather than hinder it.

Because when you replace judgment with discernment, improvement stops being punishment and starts being progress.

The choice between judging and discerning might seem small, but the difference in outcomes is anything but.