You're Asking for Feedback Wrong (Here's How to Fix It)

Stop asking for general feedback and start getting the specific insights you actually need

Welcome to The Evolving Leader's Guide. Each week, I share one mindset, framework, or toolkit designed to help you become a more effective leader—so you can lead with confidence, inspire your team, and build a career you're proud of.

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This week's tool: The Focused Feedback Framework

"I'm not getting useful feedback," Sarah told me. Her frustration was evident. "I keep asking my team and my boss how I'm doing, but all I get is 'You're doing fine' or vague suggestions that don't help me improve."

I turned the question around on her. "When was the last time someone asked you for feedback?"

She thought for a moment. "Yesterday. My direct report wanted to know how his presentation went."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I said it was good, but could be more concise."

"Why didn't you give him more detailed feedback?"

Her eyes widened slightly. "He asked me after the meeting was over. I wasn't really paying attention to the specifics. And honestly, I wasn't sure what he was looking for feedback on."

Exactly. The feedback trap works both ways.

Asking for feedback seems simple—just ask! But that rarely gets you what you need.”

Today, I'll show you why most feedback requests fail, and how to transform vague input into practical insights that drive real growth.

The feedback mistakes everyone makes

I've spent years working with leaders at every level, hearing their frustrations about the feedback they receive. I've also lived it from both sides—as someone desperately seeking useful input on my performance and as a director regularly asked to evaluate others. The pattern is clear: most of us approach feedback all wrong, then wonder why we're not getting the insights we need.

First, you're asking for general feedback. "How did I do?" invites generic responses like "Good job!" These responses feel nice but tell you nothing useful.

Second, you're asking after the fact. By then, details are fuzzy and the moment to make real-time adjustments has passed.

Third, you don't clarify what kind of feedback you want. Are you looking for input on your content or your delivery? Without this clarity, people default to commenting on whatever stood out to them.

Fourth, you get defensive when hearing something critical. Even a slight flinch or a "yes, but..." can shut down honest input forever.

Fifth, you don't ask for actionable feedback. Vague comments like "Be more confident" aren't helpful unless paired with specific examples you can implement.

Finally, you fail to follow up. Feedback becomes powerful when paired with reflection and a follow-up: "I worked on being more concise—did you notice a difference?"

This results in you receiving surface-level comments while your real growth opportunities remain hidden.

The feedback framework that actually works

Getting valuable feedback isn't about asking more often. It's about asking differently.

Here's how to transform your approach:

1. Target a specific moment or behavior

Move away from broad requests like "How was my presentation?" that invite generic praise.

Instead, focus on particular moments: "What did you notice about my opening story and how it connected to the main points?"

Or zero in on specific behaviors: "What aspects of our last one-on-one helped or hindered our discussion about the Miller project?"

This precision forces the person to recall and analyze a particular moment rather than giving a general impression.

One of my clients was frustrated by vague feedback on her leadership style. She switched from asking "How am I doing as a leader?" to "What aspects of my communication in yesterday's meeting worked well or didn't work for understanding the project priorities?"

The responses transformed from "You're doing fine" to detailed insights about her pace, clarity, and examples that she could actually use.

2. Define the feedback lens

When asking for feedback, specify which lens you want the person to use when observing you:

For communication:

• "Focus on my clarity, not my confidence."

• "I'm looking for feedback on my storytelling, not my data."

For decision-making:

• "What did you notice about my approach being collaborative versus directive?"

• "Which factors in my analysis seemed most relevant or irrelevant?"

For project management:

• "How effective was my prioritization rather than my communication style?"

• "I'd like feedback on my resource allocation, not my technical decisions."

For leadership:

• "In what ways did my direction enable or constrain the team's autonomy?"

• "I'm interested in how I handled the team dynamic, not the business strategy."

This precision eliminates confusion and ensures you get insights on exactly what you're trying to improve right now.

3. Pre-prompt for specific attention

Don't wait until after the fact to mention what you want feedback on.

Before an event, tell people exactly what you want them to pay attention to.

"In tomorrow's client call, I'm working on asking more questions instead of immediately offering solutions. Would you pay attention to how I do with this and give me feedback afterward?"

"During the team meeting, I'm focusing on speaking more concisely. Could you notice how I do and share your observations later?"

"I'm practicing pausing more before responding in meetings. In our strategy session today, would you watch for this specifically and let me know what you observe?"

This approach ensures people are actually paying attention to the specific skill you're working on rather than forming general impressions.

4. Create safety for honest feedback

Explicitly tell people you want unfiltered input. Then prove it by how you respond.

Thank people for critical feedback without immediately defending or explaining. Just say, "That's really helpful to know. Can you tell me more about what you observed?"

One executive I work with starts feedback conversations by saying, "I'm looking to improve, not validate what I'm already doing. The most valuable feedback for me will be about what didn't work."

5. Ask for actionable examples

When you receive vague feedback, probe for specifics.

If someone says, "Your energy seemed low," ask, "Can you give me an example of a moment when you noticed this? What would have demonstrated higher energy to you?"

If told "Your explanation was confusing," ask, "Which specific part lost you? What would have made it clearer?"

Concrete examples transform abstract feedback into practical guidance you can actually use.

6. Close the loop

After receiving feedback and working on a skill, circle back to the person who provided input.

"Last time, you mentioned I interrupted too often. I've been working on that. Did you notice any difference in our meeting today?"

This not only helps you gauge progress but also shows you value their input, making them more likely to provide thoughtful feedback in the future.

Three ways to accelerate your growth with feedback

Once you're getting quality feedback, here's how to maximize its impact:

1. Master one skill at a time

Your brain can't effectively focus on multiple skill improvements simultaneously. The cognitive load of monitoring and adjusting several behaviors at once leads to fragmented attention and minimal progress.

When working on executive presence, don't try to speak slower, project confidence, be more succinct, AND contribute more valuable insights in meetings all at once.

Instead, isolate one specific behavior. Practice it until it becomes second nature. Only then should you move to the next skill. This sequential approach creates lasting change rather than temporary improvements that vanish under pressure.

2. Create a low-stakes practice environment

Progressive exposure is the key to skill development. Start practicing in environments with minimal consequences before attempting high-pressure situations.

If you're working on speaking more concisely:

• First, practice in one-on-ones with peers

• Then, try it in small team meetings

• Next, use it with your boss

• Finally, apply it in that high-pressure executive meeting

The crucial part: don't rush the progression. Move to the next level only after you feel confident and consistently successful in the current one. If you advance too quickly, your brain will experience excessive stress, and you'll find yourself abandoning the new skill and reverting to old habits.

This graduated approach builds both competence and confidence. Each successful application reinforces the neural pathways that make the skill more automatic in increasingly challenging contexts.

3. Be strategic about when you practice

New skills are mentally draining. Don’t try to use them everywhere at once. Setting an expectation that you'll perform the new behavior in EVERY interaction or situation is setting yourself up for failure.

Instead, intentionally select 2-4 specific interaction/situation each week as designated practice sessions. Block these on your calendar with a note about which skill you're focusing on.

This targeted approach prevents burnout, maintains your mental energy for when it matters most, and creates clear boundaries between practice and performance. It also makes your progress more measurable—you'll know exactly when you succeeded and when you still need work.

Coach's Challenge

This week, choose one specific leadership skill to work on over the next month.

• Write three targeted feedback questions

• Ask two trusted colleagues to observe you

• Choose three upcoming opportunities to practice

After each, reflect: What worked? Where do you want to improve for next time?

Do this within 48 hours. Specific feedback leads to specific growth.